Metroid Origins: The Adventures of Kid Samus
by Brool Story Co
Summary: How did Samus Aran become the lethal killing machine with Daddy Issues that we know and love? Discover the hitherto-fore unexplained origins of Kid Samus!
1. Chapter 1

Metroid Origins: The Adventures of Kid Samus

Chapter 1: Metroids: Traps of Evil

**_Authors not: This is aparody !_**

Samus Aran waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were Metroids on Zebes. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Adam Malkovich were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

Kid Samus was a space marine for fourteen years. When she was young he watched the spaceships and she said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."

Daddy Issues said "No! You will BE KILL BY METROIDS"

There was a time when she believed him. Then as she got oldered she stopped. But now in the space station base of the Galactic Federation he knew there were demons.

"This is Commander of the Galactic Federation Adam Malkovic" the radio crackered. "You must fight the Metroids!"

So Kid Samus gotted his palsma beam and blew up the wall.

"SHE GOING TO KILL US" said the Metroids.

"I will shoot at waste-gash" said the Space Pyrate and he fired the rocket missiles. Kid Samus plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

"No! I must kill the demons" She shouted The radio said "No, Kid Samus. You are the demons"

And then Kid Samus was a trap.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: THE TERRIBLE TRUTH OF SAMUS ARAN

It was only now that Samus realised the peril she was in. She had fallen perfectly for the Nintendo executives traps. They had put her under Team Ninja, who unsurprisingly had immediately tried to give her enormous breasts and daddy issues, as well as inventing maternal elements in her character as well as crippling self doubt. All to weaken her as a woman, surrounded by strong male characters (like Commander Adam "Daddy Issues" Malkovich).

But Samus was too awesome to be constrained by idiotic factors such as a spontaneous character shift to a snivelling maternal weakling! She was a one woman killing army of machines! She was the most baddass character to comeout of Nintendo in _years! _Whenever she suffered tragedy (which she repeatedly suffered, losing her items and abilities with almost clockwork regularity at the start of each new mission) she just got right back up again to pick up the pieces! Of her power suit! She wasn't going to let those incompetent arseholes at Team Ninja ruin her!

Unfortunately the only way to break the crippling psychological conditioning implanted into her, to defeat these overblown maternal instincts and daddy issues, was too stop thinking of herself as _herself. _She had to change the pronouns that described her from her to he! If she accomplished that she could evade Team Ninja's lecherous gaze and reclaim her baddass unstoppable womanhood!

Whilst the first chapter was going on Samus rolled into a morph ball and slipped past the fourth wall. She began to struggle against the implacable pronouns that rigidly described her as a her. She tried to use her power bomb to destroy them, but was briefly stopped by the terrifying psychological conditioning. "Daddy issues hasn't authorised me to use the power bombs," a monotone voice spoke into her thoughts.

"FUCK THAT!" Samus yelled, summoning the awesomeness to give Team Ninja the finger and detonate the power bomb. The pronouns finally gave way and released their intractable grip on him. Wait, on _him? _It had worked! As long as Samus thought of himself as a guy, he'd be abe to avoid Team Ninja whilst she sought a way to defeat the mind control voodoo they'd forced upon her and allow her to reclaim her awesomeness!

Samus knew that his first stop would have to be at the residence of the one man who could tell him how to defeat Team Ninja. Yes, that person was just as bad if not worse than the Team Ninja motherfuckers, but he had no choice. He had to go visit Japan's number one wanker game designer…

Tomonobu Itagaki!


End file.
